meteorman | (no subject)

[Elsa's face goes from one of sympathy to one of surprise and mild horror at his words. That's the last thing she had been expecting to hear, though she ought to not be surprised given she'd seen his nightmare. But it's a little different being on the receiving end of it.

Especially because that nightmare is one she's never told anyone about and even then it's only one she really has when her anxiety and fear is off the charts. It's one of her deeper, darker secrets.

There really is no point in beating around the bush. The bush no longer exists. It's dead.

Elsa sighs, giving a small shrug.]

No, that was... usually how it went, whenever I had that nightmare. I'm embarrassed that you had to see that. I'm sorry.

Don't apologize. The human mind is incredibly adept at fabricating images from fears and memories that are worse than both. It isn't your fault.

[He'd know better than anyone.

... Also this is supposing that was fabricated and not more memory than fear, which is a possibility he has considered and quickly set aside. Because. Yikes. And anyway, with the way Elsa spoke about her parents the last time they touched on this subject, they were misguided perhaps but not murderous.]

Mm...that's true, I suppose. My mind always was really good at making things worse than they actually were.

[Elsa pauses for a moment, contemplating something, before she looks mildly alarmed.]

You do need to know that that's all it was- fear. That... that never happened. My father was- well, he was complicated, but he would never do that.

[There's a shadow of a doubt in her voice, as if deep down inside she's not sure if that's true. She doesn't know what would have happened if things had gotten worse and her parents had still been alive. There was the dungeon after all, the constraints specifically designed for her.

Was that the worst case scenario? Could it have escalated from there? Would he-?]

The worst feeling in the world is knowing you're letting down the very people you wish could be proud of you. But... we're different people now. The only people we need to make proud are ourselves.

Mm. My father wasn't complicated. He was very straightforward, and things became much easier for me once I stopped trying to follow the path he wanted for me.

[Sometime around college. Getting out of the house was the best thing that ever happened to him, even if he didn't escape to the college he wanted. Would his father have approved of what he chose to spend his research grant on? Goodness no. But by that time he didn't care.]

It's not failing to make my father proud that I regret.

[Elsa doesn't say it, but she's definitely thinking about how much she wished that she could've stopped trying to follow her father's path. How different would things have been if she had stood up for herself? Or... or ran away, for that matter? Maybe her parents might even still be alive.

She won't beat herself up over it, though. It's done, it happened, nothing can change that. But sometimes, especially right now, the what-ifs are strong.]

Please forgive me if this is too forward, but can I ask... what you do regret, if that's the case?

[She already feels like she's overstepping by asking, but, well, they both had nightmares of things neither had wanted to share, they're probably kind of at That Point where she can ask without upsetting him too greatly.]

[Hell, it was only a matter of time before they got to That Point. Their very first conversation was edging up against That Point. This was inevitable, and it doesn't surprise him when she asks. If anything it's kind of funny, because asking Stanford Pines to give a concise answer to that question is hilarious and nobody knows that better than the man himself.

He could deflect with that. It would be easy to come out with some platitude about how they'd be here all night if he tried to explain, about how the list is too long. But she's not asking about the whole laundry list, she's asking about a very specific part of his life, and the answer to that question in that context is very simple.]

When we first spoke you told me about your powers. About your sister.

[He is leading up to something here, he swears, but it's hard to talk about. Even after atoning for it (or at least starting to), it's still an ache in his chest worse than any of the other hundreds of aches he's accumulated.]

I have a brother. You might have heard my father mention him.

[Elsa is nothing if not patient. She knows she asked a deeply personal question and obviously not an easy one. So she's willing to give him all the time he needs. When he says the first part, she simply nods, waiting on him to continue.]

Yes, I believe he did.

[Elsa had forgotten that small tidbit of the dream, but now that it's obviously an integral part, she's definitely curious. Still, she doesn't show it too much, just simply waits for him to continue.

[He almost wishes she'd probe. Then he'd have an excuse to divulge things instead of having to voluntarily dredge them up. It's an attempt to be thoughtful, he understands, but now the burden of explaining things falls squarely on his shoulders. It's not that he doesn't know what to say or how to say it, it's that he'a bad with vulnerability and this is the most vulnerable he's been in a very long time. He's barely talked about this with anyone but Stan at all.]

My brother and I were very close as children. We didn't have friends, but I was smart and he was tough and we looked out for each other. My dad decided early on that Stanley was a disappointment, but my genius was one of the few things that could impress him. I built a machine that could have got me admitted to the top school in the country, but Stanley broke it and Dad threw him out of the house for costing us the fortune he thought I was going to make. I didn't do anything to stop it. I didn't even try to find him afterward.

[Even this is a highly-abbreviated explanation. The boxing lessons, the boat, the fight in front of the portal-- he can't have the whole thing out yet. In time. Knowing him it'll be an off-hand macabre joke, now that he's given her the basic setup.]

I don't regret not making my father proud, I regret ever putting what he wanted over the one friend I had back then. I hated my brother for decades over that scholarship, and he didn't even break my project on purpose.

[He's just not good enough at self-examination to really go into why. It's there, he knows it is, but he can't grasp it eloquently like he can so many other things. It was a mix of selfishness-- that part he knows and can acknowledge-- and the desperate need to please his father than came with being seen as the family meal ticket. When all you're worth to someone is the skill on which you also base your whole identity, being sabotaged (even unintentionally) is doubly devastating.]

[Prying and probing is very much not Elsa's forte. The last thing she wants to do is force anyone to talk about things they don't want to. But she doesn't have to worry about it, Ford is explaining things and she's listening intently.

This is... a lot to comprehend, honestly. But it feels so familiar- a parent coming between siblings. Vastly different circumstances, but her heart absolutely goes out to him. It's a terrible thing, siblings should be best friends. The situation sounds like it could have been avoided her their father hadn't been so... so that.]

You must know it isn't your fault, though? [Elsa wishes this were face to face. She would absolutely be hugging him right now.] Your father, he... it sounds like he came between you. He put pressure on you and made you feel like that, er... scholarship? [Is it a boat for scholars? Now isn't the time,] was the be-all-end-all. If your father had been a little more understanding, perhaps things might have turned out different.

[Elsa herself looks almost in tears. What a heavy subject, what a deeply sad thing. It hits close to home and makes her want to go hug Anna, honestly.]

But... I'm sorry for what you went through. I truly am. No one deserves that, Dr. Ford. Especially not someone as kind and amazing as you.

[It's a little alarming to see her so torn up over this. A little alarming, but also a little validating. He's often been accused of brooding, of dwelling, of holding a grudge -- and that's all true, he won't deny it. But it's validating to see someone else react to this situation with the same swell of negative emotion he always feels when he thinks about it. Now for him it's mainly a familiar bitterness, one that he's learned to coexist with, but it's there all the same and he doesn't think it will ever entirely go away. His life could have been so much better if only...]

I wasn't kind and amazing back then.

[He can't let himself forget how much of the fault does rest on his shoulders. He has a predisposition toward cultivating a martyr complex, but he also is genuinely trying to be better, and part of being better is admitting to himself where he fucked up. It's a little bit of column A and a little bit of column B but it's helping, he thinks, in the end.]

We've reconciled, since. And I've had a very long time to learn from my mistakes. I would like to think I've become better.

[She lets out a small, sad chuckle at that. No, perhaps not, but he is now. That's the great thing about people- they change and they grow. If she had come from a different point in her life, she wouldn't have even had the balls to talk about any of this. Wouldn't be able to look him in the eye. If it had been before her powers were under control, she wouldn't even want to go outside for fear her powers might suddenly turn back on.

But she's better. Just like he's better.]

You are. I know I didn't know you back then, but you are. Because you can have this conversation with me and admit all of this. And because you feel bad about it. A bad person wouldn't feel bad about it and they certainly never would have reconciled. And you're better because... well, because-

[How does one say what she's trying to say without it sounding awkward?]

You make me feel better and happy, which... which not many people do. I- I'd like to think that means something.

[Hoo boy that was, uh, more personal than she meant to get, but. Well.]

[Haha oh wow that sure is like five whole emotions he's feeling right now. Don't have a heart attack, you're not ninety-two yet.]

I think it does. I've said it before here and I stand by it: there can be comfort in the familiar. In finding something in somewhere or someone else that you resonate with, for whatever reason.

[He found that with Dipper when he first returned to Earth. He found a situation he thought he knew, and he projected onto it with the force of an industrial-strength spotlight. He regrets that a little now if only because of the wedge he unknowingly drove between his niece and nephew, but that had never been his intent. He had only been so excited to finally connect with someone again. And in the same way he's glad he's able to connect with her, especially about something like this that he keeps so close to his chest. It's a relief to talk about it, even if it's territory he still has difficulty exploring.]

I don't often speak about this. But it comes more easily when I'm talking to you.

[If he's feeling five whole emotions, she's feeling seven feelings- maybe more. It's becoming really apparent from this conversation just how much Ford means to her. It's not something she... really considered before. Yes, he'd been a comforting presence, but she's realizing that it's more than that. When she talks to him, it feels like how it does when she talks to Anna. It's effortless, it comes naturally, it feels good.

And she cares about his feelings. She cares about what's going on in his life, she worries for him. She hasn't felt that way about anyone else aside from her sister. And it's all just happened without her even making a conscious decision.

It's almost a little overwhelming to consider. In a good way, but- wow.

When he says that, she can't help but smile, looking away because she feels her cheeks turning red. Boy, that's new. Now she feels kind of warm and she catches herself wishing Skadi would sneeze some snow in her face.]

Oh, thank you- that.. that means a lot to me.

[She trails off, trying get this darn blush to go away.]

If you think about it, our parents did one thing right- they brought us together.

[Elsa says it in a joking tone, but she's a little surprised at her own sarcasm- she's getting better at throwing shade towards her parents, it's kind of... cathartic. She finds herself giggling a little, as if a weight is lifting off her shoulders.]

Edited 2018-01-07 03:30 (UTC)

[The curiously serious expression on his face breaks into a surprised smile and he laughs. It's just a single heh, but it's a laugh all the same.]

You could say that, yes!

[Good. Let's step back just a little from all these emotions and into safer territory. They've done some nice sharing and now Ford needs a second. Baby steps, and all.]

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i forgot i used the sweatertown icon

oddly fitting given disco talk tbh

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