meteorman | (no subject)

[honey]

I didn't mean it quite so literally. I do not actually enter a zen-like prison-escaping fugue state that I am afterwards incapable of remembering.

[LOOK is it so much to ask for a fellow memory loss buddy]

Oh Sorry I just assumed ...

[Friend if you want memory loss you better talk to Fiddleford. He's the old man from Gravity Falls who knows all about that.]

No, no, I understand. I should have specified. There are beings for whom such a state is natural in times of stress.

There are plenty of stretches of time I don't remember but those are easily explained by mind-altering substances or severe physical trauma caused by injury or alien sickness. Upside: I now have one hell of an immune system.

[No that's okay, this is actually enlightening regardless.]

Physical trauma That causes memory loss? Just for some people, or... can that happen to anyone?

[Hi guess who has yet to connect the dots to his brain trauma.]

It depends on the location and severity of the trauma, but yes it can. Either because the recovery process is particularly draining and you spend most of it in a barely-coherent haze, or because the brain is directly injured, or both.

What

[Okay, this whole thing was prompted by candy. By Emotions. But ... this is different. This is Not Talked About. Not with anyone but maybe Jean. Once.]

What about losing a limb?

I would say that losing a limb could certainly be traumatic enough, particularly if the recovery period was difficult.

Are you asking about your arm?

Maybe that's what happened yeah I am. I don't know anything about it. Just One day it was there.

Was this during your period of incarceration? Or unrelated? I ask only because the particular circumstances surrounding an injury are just as important as the injury itself.

[He barely lost any time when he got his head cut open and a metal plate put in because he was safe and well-taken-care-of, despite still being kind of out of it for a week or so. Suddenly waking up in alien prison with a metal arm you didn't have before is very, very different.]

During. After the ar |

[He can do this. He can do this. It's over. It's done. The dreams won't come -- Haunter has it covered.]

After the arena. I don't remember what happened there, either. Not really. Nothing is clear. This is Honestly the best idea I've had about what happened. Why I'm like this.

[MmmmmMMMMMM. Boy. This conversation sure does keep straying into dangerous territory and the more times it happens the closer Ford feels like he's getting to putting his foot in his mouth. The longer he goes without doing it the more sure he is that he will.

Oh well. Here we go.]

This is not my area of study, you understand. I may have twelve doctorate degrees but none of them are in psychology or neuroscience.

[Maybe he'd be less of a fucking mess if one of them was. Who knows.]

But it is not unusual for severe trauma to damage the brain's ability to reliably form memories, particularly memories related to the traumatic event. It is a defense mechanism. Whatever you don't remember, it was likely unpleasant.

Edited 2018-03-04 09:33 (UTC)

[It probably says something about Shiro's Life (TM), that this is the best advice he's gotten on the subject of trauma and memory loss. But, as such, he's not about to be picky about it.]

You sound like my old commander when you say things like that.

[The doctorate parts.]

Yeah. That. Sounds like it tracks. Is there any way you know of to... get them back again?

Short of purposefully putting yourself in similar situations in hopes of bringing back the traumatic memories by association? No. And I wouldn't recommend that. It isn't pleasant.

[Trust him, he did it recently on accident and it fucking sucked.]

[Admittedly, that isn't what he wanted to hear. Because there are so many questions...]

I believe you. I think it happened a few times. But thank you. No one's ever explained it like that before.

I suppose I should amend that there may be ways I am unaware of. Memory has never been an issue for me. I remember the hell I've been through very clearly.

[And thank god, because there are a lot of reasons Ford would find the loss of his memory to be horrifying. His mind for a very long time was all he had. If that started going... Well, just take him out back and shoot him, why don't you.

Still, the fact remains that he's Ford, and he tends not to sugarcoat shit even when the answer he gives isn't a good one. He tells the truth, even if the truth kind of sucks. That's what being overly-concerned with the facts gets you.]

Out of curiosity, were those times accidental? And how much did you recall?

If we didn't have so much in common there, I'd say you were lucky. But... I don't think I'd want anyone else to have to go through that kind of thing.

[Bad enough Matt and Sam Holt had to. Even if Matt got away. Bad enough hundreds of other innocent people were going through it now. Bad enough there were those who wanted it.]

[It's enough to make him regret, sitting here, in a house by the beach, secure and mostly intact. When he should be back there. Shouldn't he?]

Someone would mention something, or... I'd see something. And then I'd just be back Back somewhere else. The others said it was only a minute or two but it felt longer. Nothing was ever all that clear. Just vague flashes for the most part.

[Shiro can't see him nodding but he's nodding.]

So it is much the same whether the memories are already present or not. Even things I remember clearly go like that when they catch me off-guard. The distortion of time and jumbled recall, I mean.

what

[That... caught him completely off-guard. He didn't even put in punctuation or anything.]

You it happens to you too ?

[what do you mean it's not just him???]

Yes.

[It's been different things, as he ages, as old wounds heal over and new ones are made. But the fact remains that it's been happening to him for a very long time, starting when things started to go south with Bill. Even now just the suggestion of glowing yellow eyes makes him want to reach for the gun he isn't allowed to carry here.]

I have discovered recently there are reasons Electric types and I don't get along, shall we say.

I had no idea I thought it was only me.

[That they'd broken something so badly in his head there was no repairing it. They'd destroyed something that couldn't be rebuilt. Made him into something else who couldn't so much as sleep without dreaming in ultra-violet purple.]

Can I ask why electric types ?

[Well of course Shiro can ask. But there is still a long pause before Ford answers. They're probably at the point where he can't justify deflecting, aren't they?]

I was subjected to fairly intense shock torture. Something like two years ago, now.

[No see if he asks that, it means then Ford doesn't have to answer. That's how it works. Right?]

Then I really can't blame you. I can think of a few things I wouldn't be able to handle too, even here.

[His turn to hesitate.]

I'm sorry, though.

Don't be. It could have been worse.

[Shiro will get it more than anyone else, won't he. Won't he.]

It was me and not the kids.

[Oh. Yes. Yes he does get it. He gets it very much.]

... yeah. It was me and not him.

And anyway it's just something that happened. Something that's over and done with.

Which is why it's so frustrating that it won't let me be. That it keeps coming back.

[He should be better. Shouldn't he? It worked out. They won. He's safe. The kids are safe. Bill is dead. This shouldn't be a problem anymore.]