meteorman | (no subject)

[Admittedly, that isn't what he wanted to hear. Because there are so many questions...]

I believe you. I think it happened a few times. But thank you. No one's ever explained it like that before.

I suppose I should amend that there may be ways I am unaware of. Memory has never been an issue for me. I remember the hell I've been through very clearly.

[And thank god, because there are a lot of reasons Ford would find the loss of his memory to be horrifying. His mind for a very long time was all he had. If that started going... Well, just take him out back and shoot him, why don't you.

Still, the fact remains that he's Ford, and he tends not to sugarcoat shit even when the answer he gives isn't a good one. He tells the truth, even if the truth kind of sucks. That's what being overly-concerned with the facts gets you.]

Out of curiosity, were those times accidental? And how much did you recall?

If we didn't have so much in common there, I'd say you were lucky. But... I don't think I'd want anyone else to have to go through that kind of thing.

[Bad enough Matt and Sam Holt had to. Even if Matt got away. Bad enough hundreds of other innocent people were going through it now. Bad enough there were those who wanted it.]

[It's enough to make him regret, sitting here, in a house by the beach, secure and mostly intact. When he should be back there. Shouldn't he?]

Someone would mention something, or... I'd see something. And then I'd just be back Back somewhere else. The others said it was only a minute or two but it felt longer. Nothing was ever all that clear. Just vague flashes for the most part.

[Shiro can't see him nodding but he's nodding.]

So it is much the same whether the memories are already present or not. Even things I remember clearly go like that when they catch me off-guard. The distortion of time and jumbled recall, I mean.

what

[That... caught him completely off-guard. He didn't even put in punctuation or anything.]

You it happens to you too ?

[what do you mean it's not just him???]

Yes.

[It's been different things, as he ages, as old wounds heal over and new ones are made. But the fact remains that it's been happening to him for a very long time, starting when things started to go south with Bill. Even now just the suggestion of glowing yellow eyes makes him want to reach for the gun he isn't allowed to carry here.]

I have discovered recently there are reasons Electric types and I don't get along, shall we say.

I had no idea I thought it was only me.

[That they'd broken something so badly in his head there was no repairing it. They'd destroyed something that couldn't be rebuilt. Made him into something else who couldn't so much as sleep without dreaming in ultra-violet purple.]

Can I ask why electric types ?

[Well of course Shiro can ask. But there is still a long pause before Ford answers. They're probably at the point where he can't justify deflecting, aren't they?]

I was subjected to fairly intense shock torture. Something like two years ago, now.

[No see if he asks that, it means then Ford doesn't have to answer. That's how it works. Right?]

Then I really can't blame you. I can think of a few things I wouldn't be able to handle too, even here.

[His turn to hesitate.]

I'm sorry, though.

Don't be. It could have been worse.

[Shiro will get it more than anyone else, won't he. Won't he.]

It was me and not the kids.

[Oh. Yes. Yes he does get it. He gets it very much.]

... yeah. It was me and not him.

And anyway it's just something that happened. Something that's over and done with.

Which is why it's so frustrating that it won't let me be. That it keeps coming back.

[He should be better. Shouldn't he? It worked out. They won. He's safe. The kids are safe. Bill is dead. This shouldn't be a problem anymore.]

No matter what you do It just won't leave you alone.

[It's over. They're stronger now, they're capable. He's not alone, and his friend is all right.]

[This shouldn't be a problem anymore.]

I still have nightmares about things that happened decades ago. About people who are long-dead. It doesn't make any damn sense.

[He stopped caring about what his father thought of him fifty years ago. Why is his father still haunting his subconscious?]

But no. It isn't just you. And if I had to take a guess I would wager it isn't just the two of us, here.

At least ... you remember what it is you're looking at.

[In his nightmares, half the time things don't even make sense. Or match up. It all seems so random. He doesn't know what to do with it.]

What do we How do we fix this?

I don't know.

[PTSD was barely a thing in his time. In fact, you couldn't actually get and official diagnosis until the eighties, and by then he was too busy with his own work to keep up with happenings in fields so far removed from his own. And while it's more recognized in 2012, he'd barely had time to settle back into living on Earth. He hadn't even begun to think of searching out mental health resources. In his opinion he shouldn't have needed them in the first place. He probably never would have gone looking, not until someone else forced him. And that means he's out of his depth here in a way he doesn't like one bit.]

We keep moving forward, I suppose. What else is there to do?

[He's not sure what he was hoping to hear. That there was some cure-all, somewhere. Something you could just do and then all the flashes, all the nightmares, the heavy thing dragging him down every time his right shoulder twitched... would just be better.]

[He would be better.]

I don't know. That's all I've ever done.

At least this is the perfect world to move forward in.

[No it's not. The perfect world is his world, with his family, on that boat around the world. But this is a good enough consolation prize. He's happy here.]

It's Definitely given me back some things I didn't think I'd get.

[Like sleep. Like actual human food and a sense of wonder when he looked at the stars, instead of dread.]

[Like his friend.]

I mentioned, before, that I have always had trouble making friends. I think I have more now in this moment than I ever had during the entire rest of my life put together.

[He's still desperately, sickeningly homesick for his family. That will never go away. But it eases the feeling a lot to have so many people here he cares about. Shiro is one of those now, apparently.]

That has helped me with the memories more than anything else. If I hadn't been speaking to Chloe when Bug Zapper initially shocked me I may not have handled it nearly so well.

[He certainly wouldn't have talked about Bill. Wouldn't have admitted exactly how fucked up everything Bill did to him was, out loud, and acknowledged it head-on.]

You cannot make it go away but you can enlist help in dealing with it.

I... can say I didn't think I'd have people who looked up to me like this, or someone who cared like this, either.

[His team, sure. They look up to him, they care about him. But Jean told him he was "like a father". Matt told him he had feelings for him. Could any of that have ever happened, elsewhere?]

[Maybe that's why he hasn't thought of going back in ... a long time.]

Haunter's been keeping the nightmares away, for me. Sometimes Kuro pretends to eat my arm. It... they really do help.

[Not to mention Jean and Armin. Without them, without his pokemon, he probably would be staggering around Mt. Mortar with broken ribs and endless nightmares. Even now.]

Think they mind? Being enlisted?

I assume if they did they would say so.

[That's... that's how that works, right? Ford is straightforward. Ford is direct. He says what he means, or he just doesn't say anything at all. His brother got all the skill when it came to lying and even then that never really occurred to him because he knew his brother too well to believe any of them. One of the thirteen languages he's fluent in is Stan.

The point is if someone were to be pointedly implying that they didn't want to listen to his issues, it would go right the fuck over his head.]

I have had precious few friends but I am led to believe that's one of the qualities most prized in them. The willingness to listen.

I hope so, anyway.

[Unless they're just not really able to say so. Out of some sense of obligation or something. That's the last thing he wants, here. To make the people he cares about feel like they have to support him.]

[Or that they have to look after him.]

Well In that case. Count yourself as having another one, then.

[Himself, in case that wasn't. Obvious.]

[Hey would you look at that he's having a record six whole emotions now]

Same to you.

I suppose I shouldn't have to say that my inbox is open should you ever need to talk about this further.

[He really isn't a substitute for a shrink, but also, he's seventy and he deeply respects the decision to not go to one on the grounds that that's admitting defeat.]

Or should you ever want to discuss the stars. That's something I have far more experience with.

[One for every finger.]

Mine too. Even if you want to copy a teammate back home and ask if space pigeons have feelings.

[That's mostly a joke. Mostly.]

What do you know. So do I.